Humbled

Being a mother is many things, but the one thing I never expected it to be is humbling. Today I got smacked in the face with a big ol' piece of humble pie.

Sleep in the Grant household has been sparse. Baby girl is (what I am assuming) about to hit some developmental touchpoints, which often disrupt sleep, and this is no exception. Noah has been waking up before 5am every morning. We had a non-stop Thanksgiving, visiting family at different houses. And to add to all this, I've been sick. Needless to say, I am running on empty.

Today I really, really needed a nap. I put Noah down, then put Ruthie Grayce down. For the next hour and went between both rooms trying to get both of them asleep. Ruthie Grayce wanted to eat, Noah wanted to play. I finally got baby girl asleep, walked Ono Noah's room, and he was sitting in the top drawer of his dresser. Monkey!! I continued for the next 30 min walking back in his room, putting him back in bed without saying a word, and leaving. It wasn't working. I was so close to a nap, yet so... SO far away.

I finally decided to go in his room and try to rock him to see if that would settle him down. I got him in my lap, he lays his head on my chest... Then bites me. I lost it. I grabbed his wrists (way too hard), grit my teeth, yelled "Do NOT bite momma!", picked him up, and pretty much threw him in his bed. I immediately started crying. I got in his face, yelled again "You do not do that ever again. You're a bad boy!", walked out of his room, and slammed the door shut.

It took me all of about 2 seconds to realize I completely screwed up. I felt horrible.

I immediately went back in his room, and the look on his face will be stuck in my mind for a long time. He looked so... Disappointed. Sad. Hurt.

I knelt down next to his bed and apologized through my tears. I explained to him that it was wrong of me to lose my temper. That it was wrong for me to yell. And that he was not a bad boy. I emphasized that it was not ok to bite momma, and that he should never bite anyone because it hurts them, but that even when someone hurts you it's not ok to act mean back to them. I have no idea how much he understood. He looked at me, said "no bite momma!", and started crying. I asked for his forgiveness, and he gave me hug. I picked him up, went back to the rocker, and rocked him to sleep.

Losing your temper with a 2 year old.... Apologizing to a 2 year old.... Asking for forgiveness from a 2 year old.... Is humbling. Realizing that a 2 year old can have so much power over you that you lose it is humbling. Having the 2 year old climb up in your lap only minutes later forgetting that you had wronged them is ridiculously humbling.

It made me think.... Am I this forgiving? Do I forget the wrong as soon as the apology is made? Nope.... No where close. Humbling.

I haven't fully processed what the Lord has to teach me through all this, I'm sure the lessons have only just begun. Luckily we all got a little sleep, and I'm in a much better frame of mind this evening, and I'm hugging my little dude a little tighter. He's got a lot to teach me, too.