I can warn you from the beginning: this will be long. I know the details do not matter to many, but they matter to me, and I imagine that they will matter to Ruthie Grayce one day as well. From the very, very beginning her life has been a testimony of the Lord's goodness and love for us, and I have no doubt that her life will continue reflect that love. So, grab a cup coffee and stay a while. ;-)
Early along in my pregnancy, I got "stuck" in Job 1:21. "The Lord gave and the Lord has take away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." It ran over and over again in my head. I heard the song on the radio, on my iPod, and in church. The scripture would come up in bible studies and devotionals. I just couldn't get away from it, and it Freaked. Me. Out. I did not really share this with anyone as I tried to
ignore process through it. I mentioned it a bit to my accountability group, but that was it. I prayed about it, and finally came to the conclusion that the Lord was just trying to remind me that although He had taken away my energy and although I felt really crummy, He had given me a child... and I was to be thankful. I kind of let it go at that point, but it still nagged at me.
Fast forward a month or so and I had an appointment with my midwife. I was measuring several weeks ahead and we were not sure why. Cindy gave me several possibilities (even joking around that she was glad we were getting a sono to "just be sure there aren't more in there"), but was not concerned at all. I walked away from the appointment not thinking much about it, until several days later. I was at the gym and I just kept hearing that scripture over and over and over again in my head. I started to freak out. I texted Cindy and, sensing that something was off with me, she called. Right in the middle of the gym I lost it. I gave her the background and she listened. She encouraged me, out of the blue, to talk to Micah about it all. And she left me with an encouraging scripture: "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3. That scripture became my lifeline as I clung to it for the next 5 months.
|
|
| This was posted in our kitchen for most of my pregnancy. |
I decided to email Micah when I got home from the gym and spilled my guts (I had not shared with him any of this prior). Cindy must have been really tuned in to the Holy Spirit as Micah's response was exactly what I needed:
"Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. It sounds like you are being attacked by fear. It seems that your feelings seem to be stemming from this fear that something is going to go horribly wrong. That is error or the devil trying to challenge you. I think you have to resist the temptation to buy into the fear game. If you believe in an omnipotent, saving, merciful, and loving God then you should have no reason to fear. Of course we are all imperfect humans and we sometimes allow fear to creep into our thought, but we have to come back to our faith in God and trust in God. We know that God is perfect, he created us and he is in the process of creating Fuzzy right now. If that is true, then he is doing a much more perfect job than we could ever imagine or do ourselves. Fear can paralyze you if you let it. I try to remember that no matter what happens, even if bad things happen, I know that God will still be there. I can always call on Him for comfort, support, and direction. Nothing that happens to us can ever destroy the personal relationship that we have with God. When you recognize that relationship as indestructible you don't feel like you have a huge burden on your own shoulders. You don't have to know all the answers, you just have to rest in knowing that God does and strengthening your trust in Him. The only solution is to turn over your fear to God, tell him that it is too much for you to bear, and ask for comfort.
Check out how many times the word fear or afraid appears in the Bible. Hundreds. I wonder if it was the Lord who had you stuck in Job 1:21 or if it was fear that had you stuck there. It sounds like Cindy was very reassuring that she had absolutely no reason to be concerned. My recommendation would be to pray about it, ask God if we should get a sonogram earlier than 23 weeks and see how He convicts you. I have been praying for Fuzzy and I will continue to pray for you and Fuzzy."
He was spot on. I was being overcome by fear. (side note: How stinkin' awesome is my husband?!) I was really caught of guard as fear is not an emotion I default to very often... in fact, I am often quite fearless. It was foreign to me, and I imagine that is why it took someone else to identify it. In that moment I knew that God was using this little life to teach me a lesson. I reached out to my friends and my family to pray for me as I worked to overcome fear, and I searched scripture to find verses of comfort. It was sweet to know that my community surrounding me was praying for us. Over time, my fear was replaced with trust and I felt a great sense of peace.... or so I thought.
 |
| Such an encourager! |
A few days after I turned 29 weeks I had some intense pain in my lower abdomen, accompanied by some preasure. The pain was so intense it brought me to tears (and I never shed a tear during the 36 hours of natural labor with Noah!) I disregarded it temporarily until I briefly mentioned it to Gara. I beleive her response was something along the lines of "call Cindy... now." So I did. Cindy encouraged me to take a hot bath and drink a glass of wine, something they suggest when you are term and think you are in labor, and told me I needed to stay in bed, laying down, for the next several days. Long story short, I was having early labor symptoms (several other symptoms followed this) and was put on bed rest for the next 6.5 weeks. I guess God wanted to make sure that I was really over this whole fear issue. :-)
I handled this situation much better than the previous one, but I still had my moments of freaking out. I cried many times, fearful that I was neglecting Noah in the last few months we had together... fearful that I would not be able to be a good wife and mother... fearful that the scripture I was stuck in months prior really meant something... "The Lord gives and the Lord
takes away". At least this time I was able to stay in front of the fear and not let it take hold of me. I had plenty of time to read and reflect, and God and I really got to wrestle some things out. He was still working on me.
My family and friends were all sorts of amazing during this... it made me really realize, once again, what an amazing community I am surrounded with. There is something to be said about a community of believers and the way they love on eachother when there is a need. Micah stepped up and picked up where I left off. He kept the house picked up and the family fed. My family coordinated "Noah duty" and took him on sorts of fun adventures. My mother and sister in law got the nursery started (oops... I guess I should have not procrastinated on that!). Friends offered play dates and our sunday school class brought us meals. Things were so well taken care that I could exclusively focus on keeping baby girl nice and comfy as long as possible.
36 weeks arrived and we were both in great shape... and I was SO excited to get back to my "normal" life. I wasn't sure how much time I had before Ruthie Grayce decided to come, so I hit the ground running. Noah and I spent some really sweet time together as we prepared for the addition of a baby sister. We went to the park, went to the zoo, and ran a gazillion errands that had been neglected the last month or two. My mom, mother in law and I cooked meals for the freezer, and I made finishing touches on the nursery. The Lord was so sweet in giving me this time... I was actually
enjoying my pregnancy! I glowed, and I felt good. I still had contractions very regularly, and even got to the point at 38 weeks where I could time them. At 39 weeks I had an evening where I timed them and they were every 5 minutes consistantly for 2 hours. I kept telling myself that each contraction I had was one more contractions I never had to do again.... and hoped that each contraction was cutting off 10 minutes of labor. ha!
When I found out I was pregnant and calculated my due date (September 8), I told Micah that it would be cool to have her on Sept 10... 9/10/11. I think we both chuckled, thinking that only going 2 days past my EDD was a dream (Noah was 2 weeks late). On the morning of September 9 I woke up having contractions. Not painful, and not intense, but regular and consistant contractions. That being said, I had experienced these regular contractions in the evening for days... weeks... but not that early in the day. I did some shopping that morning and arranged for a lunch play date at the park with some good friends. I took an awesome nap and headed to Gara's that afternoon for some distraction. I texted Cindy to give her an update, fully expecting it to be another false alarm, but wanting Cindy to have plenty of heads up just in case (she has an almost 3 year old and a 9 month old.) Micah and I went to eat at Fuzzy's for dinner (pretty
ironic as I look back!) and the contractions continued, but at this point Micah could tell when I was having one. They still weren't painful, but they made me stop in my tracks for a minute.
As the evening went on, I started sensing that we were atleast at the beginning of the real deal. Cindy encouraged me to take a hot bath and drink a glass of wine to slow things down so I could get some rest. I ended up calling my dear friend Joyce, who recently moved to New York, to keep my mind occupied while in the bath... I was miserable in it! Getting to talk to her at this point was really sweet... up until this point, we both had been a part of eachother's labors and births... and we were both really sad that she was not going to get to be there in person for Ruthie Grayce's. Knowing that she was one of the very few people who knew I was in labor was a sweet way to start out! I talked to another sweet, sweet friend (who will remain nameless until she shares the news) who just found out she was pregnant and rejoiced with her, then decided to head to bed. Looking back, I love thinking about her starting her pregnancy journey as I was finishing mine!
I woke up around midnight, just as Micah was going to sleep, and had trouble going back to bed. I layed in bed for a few hours as the contractions grew closer together and more and more intense. I finally decided I need to "call in the troops" around 2:00am. I woke up Micah so he could help me get the bed prepared and the birth pool blown up... which pretty much took an act of congress. It went something like this..
Me: "Beeb?"
Micah: (Lifts his head, very out of it..) "Huh?"
Me: "Things are really starting to move along. I need you to wake up so we can fix the bed and get the birth pool blown up."
Micah: Puts his head back on the pillow. No response.
Me: "Micah.." (Nothing in response...) "Micah!"
Micah: "What? Huh?" as he sits up...
Me: "I need you to... oooooohh.... ummm.... hang on...." (as I have a contraction)
Micah: Lays back down.
Me: "Micah! Get up! I am in labor!"
Oh, my sweet sweet husband. I wish I slept as soundly as him!
My mom, my midwife and assistants, Gara (who played multiple roles... primarily BFF & photagrapher), my mother in law, and my sister in law all arrived within the hour. We cut off our
bracelets in celebration, looking forward to the hours ahead! I labored while walking around and chit-chatting, stopping to breath through a contraction and then went back to enjoying everyone's company. My play list was going with hymns and praise and worship music as I moved from position to position. I got into some funky positions this go-round... things I would have never
thought to do but my body encouraged me to get in them. It was really neat to experience my body taking the lead and to be in an environment that allowed that to happen.
Around 4:30am I starting feeling pressure... lots and lots of pressure. My contractions were getting much closer together, sometimes one starting as soon as the previous one finished, and I was getting pretty uncomfortable walking around. The birth tub was ready, so I decided to labor there for a while. Things did not slow down a bit... in fact, they continued to intesify. Cindy decided to check me (I had not wanted to get checked before this point) while I was in the tub. Right as she started to check me, a contraction began... and I asked (or told... or yelled...) for her to stop. Not the best feeling in the world! Although she didn't get to spend much time checking, coupled with the overlapping contractions and feelings of pressure, she felt like I was complete. She encouraged me to start pushing when I had the energy.
 |
| Skyping with Joyce |
I pushed. And I pushed. And I pushed. We prayed, and scripture was read over me. My prayer & encouragement cards were read. Joyce skyped in to pray with me and speak words of encouragement over me. And nothing happened. I started getting frustrated. It didn't make sense that it was taking so long with no real progress. My heart rate was fine... Baby girl's heart rate was fine... but nothing was happening. I think I pushed for close to 2.5 hours.
 |
| Pretty sure Micah got a hard workout supporting me (both physically and emotionally) |
|
|
| The song playing is "I Surrender All".... didn't realize it at the time, but pretty darn fitting. |
We realized we needed to change something. So, around 7:15am I decided to get out of the tub and push on the bed. I delivered Noah on the bed, on my back, with Micah supporting me from behind, so maybe I would feel more comfortable this way.... and they could get a better look at what was going on. After one push Donnellyn, the assisting midwife, asked to check me. I was up for anything at this point... I wanted to know what was going on! I could tell almost immediately something was up. She felt around, changed positions, and felt some more. Then the news came: I was only dilated 6cm. I do not remember much about that moment except all I could think and say was "Thank you, Jesus! I am so relieved!"
|
|
| My box of scriptures and notes of encouragement |
As I look back, all I can think is "What the heck?! I was relieved that I was not nearly as far along as they thought I was and just pushed
for no reason for 2.5 hours?!" I had two choices in that moment... to become overcome with fear or to go with it. The Lord was with me, no doubt. As I reflect, I realize God used the situation to test me. How much had I learned about fear and God's protection and love for me? Had I really learned to trust Him with this pregnancy... with my daughter? Somehow, in that moment, I went immediately to a place of peace, knowing that things were OK. I was not afraid, I was comforted. He kept me in perfect peace... just as He promised in Isaiah 26:3. I passed His test, and I was about to experience His rewards in a way I could have never dreamed.
I decided to ask everyone to leave the room for a while so I could try to rest. I was exhausted. I asked someone to change my music as I was sick of what I had been listening to... and I realized some music my mom gave to me had not been playing. Somehow (um, thanks God.) the entire CD she had given me disappeared from my play list, so I had not heard it up to that point. My mom got it off the computer and brought it to me, and I went into a deep trance. I listened to the music quite a bit prior to being in labor, and that really seemed to help me "get in the zone" and just let my body ride with the contractions.
While I was resting, Noah woke up... and my husband went to sleep
in my toddler's toddler bed. To this day that still makes me laugh. Gara asked me at one point what I wanted to do with Noah... I had several options that I had arranged not knowing what the circumstance would be when I needed to call on someone for help. I think my exact words to Gara were, "I don't care. Handle it." Good thing she loves me :-) They decided to ship Noah off to Travis' house (Gara's son) where Lovey (Gara's mom) and Brandon (Gara's hubby) would entertain him for a bit, then take him to a birthday party. Courtney, one of my sweet accountability partners, would be there and could help watch Noah during the party. It was handled. :-)
 |
| Micah sleeping in Noah's bed |
At some point Gara felt called to ask a few prayer warrior friends to come over sporadically and pray with me. It was SUCH a blessing to have these girls be a part of Ruthie Grayce's birth. I had no idea she was doing this until I, while laying in bed, felt a hand grab mine and I heard my sweet friend Chelsea begin to pray. A smile swept over my face and a serge of energy came upon me. Hebrews 12:1-2 was being lived out before my very eyes. "
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
|
|
| Chelsea, the first friend to arrive, praying over me wih Mandy and Donnellyn |
That scripture had been one I clung to as I began my journey towards natural childbirth, but in that moment it took on a completely different light. Once again, the community I was surrounded with was supporting me and loving on me as I was working hard to bring a little miracle into the world. I do not know if Gara knew how impactful those new faces/voices would be to me... but they helped me shake off the exhaustion and provided me with a renewed energy. I am so thankful she was in tune to the Holy Spirit's guidance and followed His lead.
I got out of bed an hour or two later ready to roll. I followed my body's lead once again, and did my best to relax through contractions. My hips started to really bother me... as if they were being pried apart (I guess they kind of were!) Luckily, my midwife is also a chiropractor... and she adjusted me several times to help relieve the pain. Everyone (and I mean everyone!) took turns applying counterpressure to my hips and back during contractions to help me through them. There were often two or three sets of hands on me, applying pressure in different areas. My mom held my hand, and Mandy rubbed my arm. Everyone was pitching in, and I can't imagine how hard it would have been without that support. Several more friends came to pray with me and encourage me, each showing up at just the perfect time. I received text messages and emails as well, all providing me encouragement and strength as they were read aloud to me.
 |
| Cindy is clearly an impressive multi-tasker! |
 |
| Krista, another friend, reading scriptures |
Sometime around 10:30 I started to have trouble relaxing through the contractions and decided I need the relief of the water to help me. Cindy decided to check me before I got in (we learned our lesson!) and I was at a solid 9. Praise the Lord for fast progress!! I asked someone to wake up Micah as I felt like I was beginning to really need him to help me stay focused.
 |
| Gara, the "everything girl" of the day, doing her thing. SO thankful for her presence! |
|
|
| My dear friend from childhood, Corey, who I reconnected with after Noah was born. So sweet having her back in my life and a part of Ruthie's birth! |
It was not long before I started feeling my body bearing down at the peak of a contraction... and it felt good. Somehow it relieved some of the intensity from the contraction. But, it only beared down for a few seconds and then I went back to trying to relax through the remainder of the contraction. Before I knew it, I said to Cindy, "It is starting to burn!" I had not voluntarily pushed at all, and I felt like Ruthie Grayce was crowning. My family started to scramble to get in the room, and Mandy rushed to get Joyce on Skype (she ended up just having time to call her).
With the next contraction came a complete out of body experience. As I was trying to relax, my body intensely bore down and I started to let out the most random, loud, animalistic roar. I have no idea where it came from, and I am quite certain I could not replicate it today. As my body pushed, I felt like I was delivering the head. I reached down to feel and I realized I was essentially delivering my bag of waters! I had forgotten that my water had not broken yet. It was unreal! Towards the end of that contraction, the bag popped (after I pushed out about the size of a melon worth of it). Talk about a weird, indescribable feeling.
Before I knew it, my body started to bear down again with incredible intensity and Ruthie Grayce was born. Two involuntary pushes and she was here. She arrived so quickly that Cindy had to say "someone, catch the baby!" as she knew that either or Micah or I wanted to be the one to catch her. I reached down and lifted my sweet baby girl to my chest, completely in awe that she was already here. Micah cried and I laughed in excitement. I got to nurse Ruthie Grayce within minutes of her entering the world, and she was as healthy as could be. We were now a family of four!
After I got cleaned up we got to enjoy a sweet, healing herbal bath. I loved this time with Noah, and it was equally as special with Ruthie Grayce. I was especially grateful for the nice, big tub we put in 6 months ago!
After measurements were taken (8lbs 15oz and 21") and newborn screen complete, it was only fitting that we end the day in prayer, thanking God for a beautiful day and a healthy baby. It was one of the sweetest moments of the day for me.
As I reflect on the entire journey, I am beginning to realize that God uses pregnancy to teach me some pretty huge things. In fact, I told Cindy at one point that I needed to start listening to God better while not pregnant or He was going to keep getting me knocked up just so He could teach me something :-) I love that He used my sweet baby girl to draw me closer to Him, and to draw me closer to my community. There is something so sweet, so intimate, and so connecting to share the birth of your child with someone! I can not wait to see what the Lord has in store for my baby girl!
Enjoy a few more of my favorite pictures! Thanks, again, Gara Hill!
 |
| Dr. Cindy posing with us (I think we were joking around about how we missed our opportunity for the "high school chearleeder pose") |
